New Directions Shatters the Fourth Wall
by Wildlark
Summary: Rachel, Finn, Quinn, and Blaine explain their author's web of pairings, which is so confusing, they forgot to mention her love of Samcedes and the crossover Quinn/Hermione pairing. And Quinn/Artie. She's an omnivorous shipper, don't hate her. :3


"It's been a wonderful night, Finn," whispered Rachel, curling up closer to her boyfriend on the picnic blanket as she gazed out at the lake, the starry night sky reflecting beautifully on the surface of the water.

"I figured you'd like it here." Finn's heart beat a rhythm as steady as the waves that lapped at the lake shore just a few feet away. "Ever since you brought me here to pray for Burt, I've felt sorta…connected to this place. It feels almost like I'm on another planet whenever I come here…a planet where all my problems just disappear, you know?"

"You and the other guys have been watching way too many sci-fi movie marathons, have you?" she laughed lightly.

"Sam keeps inviting us over to watch Star Trek re-runs and play X-Box. How could I refuse? This will really be our last summer as kids, before senior year starts and then college…we should have some fun." He smoothed her hair and gently kissed the top of her head.

"Yes, we should," Rachel breathed. Her face turned towards Finn's and she gazed into his eyes, then leaned forward, feeling his warm breath before touching his lips with her own…

"Wait." He drew back from her, a confused expression on his face.

"Finn, what's wrong? Why are you so surprised that I'd kiss—"

"I thought our author shipped Puckelberry," said Finn.

It took a moment for Rachel to comprehend the statement, to realize that Finn had just kicked down the fourth wall; she then groaned and rolled her eyes. "What's wrong with writing a story about a pairing you dislike?"

"A lot, in my opinion." From out of shadows stepped Quinn, seemingly out of nowhere. "She doesn't just ship you with Puck. She ships you with me as well."

"Wait, what?" asked Rachel, stunned. "But we're not even canon—"

"You think that matters to the fandom?" the blonde smirked. "As long as we either have a ton of heartfelt of conversations or lots of tension between us that could be mistaken for UST, we're canon to the fans. And you know we've had both the conversations and tension. Barrels full of it. Not to mention the fact that the actresses who play us are room-mates and are always holding hands during the concert—"

"But you and Rachel aren't even gay!" protested Finn. "Dianna and Lea aren't, either. Or…are they?"

"You should know by now that, when it comes to fandoms, sexuality is as useless as whatever tool Ryan Murphy has been using to keep the continuity of the show intact," said Quinn. "Canon-wise, Finn, you're straight as a brick, but that doesn't stop those erotic fics with you and Mike Chang from sprouting up everywhere."

"Ugh, please don't mention that," groaned Finn. "You know that pairing makes me twitch—and it makes our author twitch, as well."

"So, wait…Puckelberry and Faberry…our author ships me with two different people? I'll say that's a little contradictory—"

"Not two," said Quinn. "Three."

"Three? Next you'll be telling me it's with someone ridiculous like Blaine."

"Uh…well…actually…" murmured a voice behind Quinn.

"Blaine!" shouted Rachel exasperatedly.

"Well, at least it's somewhat canon," sighed Quinn.

"If we count the fact that our author also wanted to see some development between Sam and Rachel, which was touched upon in the series for, like, thirty seconds," said Blaine, stepping forward and standing beside the blonde girl, "then that makes four different pairings that she ships, all of them including you."

"Wait, no, it's five," said Finn. "She really liked Jesse and Rachel together before that jerkass broke her heart for the sake of his 'zombie show choir of robots,' remember?"

"Must I be the center of this author's affections?" cried Rachel. "I'm her least favorite female character, and yet am I the only one she ships people with?"

"Oh, goodness, no," said Blaine, shaking his head. "She ships Klaine like there's no tomorrow."

"Doesn't everybody?" asked Quinn.

"Not everyone. You forgot the Kum shippers—"

Finn snickered loudly. "You know, if they wanted to be taken seriously, they should have chosen a better name."

"Shhh!" hissed Rachel. "There could be Kurt and Sam shippers reading this right now. We don't want to offend them. Our author doesn't ship them, but I don't think she'll want to get a bad reputation with the Kummers."

"Especially since our author is a Blammer," said Blaine, rolling his eyes, "which I find even more ridiculous."

"No, it's not," said Quinn. "Sam said he went to an all-boys school at one point. He could have easily gone to Dalton and dated you before transferring to McKinley—"

"That is beside the point!" Blaine sighed. "I can't believe our author has to ship me with not just Kurt, but Sam and Rachel…at least she doesn't ship either me or Kurt with Karofsky."

"Oh, thank God," said Rachel. "Karofsky paired with either of you is as ridiculous as Hermione paired with Scabior. Can you say Rapeship?"

"Hey, what happened to being respectful of the other shippers?" asked Finn.

"Sorry…I just get fed up with it. You know our author is avidly against Karofsky/Kurt and Karofsky/Blaine…and Karofsky/Sam."

"Karofsky/Sam?" Blaine echoed in disbelief. "That exists?"

"Unfortunately, yes. But besides shipping Sam with Blaine, she ships him with you as well, Quinn. She was really fond of you two together."

"Yeah…" said Quinn, looking down at her feet. "I was, too. Finn, you should have known better than to be a hypocrite and cheat on me, and then get mad when Rachel cheated on you—"

"Look, Quinn, I know you and our author both hate my lack of character development," said Finn angrily. "But ignoring that, does our author ship any other pairings?" 

"Um…Brittana?" said Blaine in a "well, duh" voice.

"Oh yeah, Brittana, of course," the other three murmured in agreement.

"She doesn't ship Sam with Santana, does she?" asked Quinn.

"No," said Blaine.

"Or Karofsky with Santana?"

"No."

"Or Santana with any guys?"

"Only with Puck."

"Thank God…"

"But she does ship Bartie."

"Wait, Brittany and Artie?" asked Finn. "Together?"

"As well as shipping Brittana?" asked Rachel.

"I didn't know anyone could ship both at the same time," said Quinn.

"Well, apparently our author can," said Blaine. "She also ships Artie with Tina, and she ships Tina with Mike. And during the first season, as sort of a joke, she shipped Mike with Matt and Karofsky with Azimio. But I think everyone teased about those pairings at some point."

"I know I did," said Finn, chuckling.

"Does she ship Noah with anyone besides me and Santana?" asked Rachel curiously.

"She likes me and Puck together a little, but I heard she's an avid Pizes shipper," said Quinn. "More so than the rest of the fandom combined, I think."

"How anyone can possibly doubt that Puck and Lauren are a match made in heaven, I don't know," said Blaine. "What I want to know is, does she have any teacher pairings that she really likes?"

"Mr. Schuester and my mother," said Rachel, rolling her eyes.

Everyone else stared at her.

"Wait, seriously?" asked Finn.

"Our author's friend and fellow Gleek convinced her that Shelby is the perfect match for Mr. Schue out of all the woman he's had romantic attractions to," explained Rachel. "They both know what it's like to work with show choirs and just people our age in general, they both tend to get in way over their heads, they both are overworked, they both often have trouble putting the needs of others before themselves—"

"So you're saying, their shared flaws make them perfect for each other?" asked Blaine.

"Well, yeah, basically. All of Mr. Schue's past loves have had flaws, but all of them are very different from his and all of them are very difficult for him to understand. My mother actually understands his problems and helped him fix them a little, and vice versa. I must say, I, along with our author, am actually rooting for them to get together when Shelby appears again in Season 3. Why else do you think I asked her to be the assistant coach for New Directions at the end of Season 1?"

"Hmm, you have a point," said Blaine. "Still, our author does ship Ms. Pillsbury with Mr. Schue…as well as Ms. Pillsbury with that dentist boyfriend of hers."

Just then, the watch on Quinn's wrist began beeping.

"We'll have to go now, guys," she said, glancing at the watch. "My Willing Suspension of Disbelief meter says that if we keep smashing the fourth wall any longer, our realm of fiction will collide with reality and cease to exist because of the viewer's disinterest."


End file.
